THE FATEFUL WAGER

trans. N. N. Trakakis

He looked at his watch, it was past midnight, a few hours separated him still from the arrival of the day when his fate, and possibly his life, would be determined, not that he was afraid, but even so, when that singular moment comes, it’s something else, what exactly? no one knows, maybe within that split second resides the whole truth, it really is comical that you come to know the truth when it’s no longer of any use to you, when nothing can save you, or perhaps the only truth is that nothing can save you. At bottom, of course, this entire affair was somewhat ridiculous, but he had accepted it, or it would be better to say that he had instigated it, as to why he did this not even he knew, besides is anyone in control of their actions? One is defenceless before everything, above all before one’s own self. But now it was completely impossible for him to back down, he had consented to the challenge in the presence of others.Many will undoubtedly say that any such consent could be viewed as a joke, and that therefore there is leeway for backing down, but this applies to common people only, a person like him would never allow himself to feel the slightest fear, at the end of the day death awaits us all and so we may as well die with head held high. But how could one imagine that when he was transferred two years ago to this small town and he visited its renowned zoo, that this visit would play such a decisive role in his life, other factors of course also contributed, especially the most recent incidents...

He tried to collect himself, our friend was experienced with these kinds of things, the brain plays dirty tricks on us, especially at the most unexpected times, and so he had come upon an utterly lovely turn of phrase which he would repeat to himself every now and again, at one point he even wrote it down by mistake on an official document of the Prefecture where he worked, this caused a scandal, he was summoned by the Prefect himself, and the episode would have ended badly if he hadn’t had the inspiration to say, naturally with as much modesty as possible: “Do you know, Sir, ever since I was a little boy I’ve had an irresistible inclination...,” in short, he disclosed his secret, that, rather than hanging about here and thereafter work, as his colleagues do, he prefers sitting all quietly in his room, deep in thought, he certainly doesn’t plan to spend his entire life as a simple clerk, he has dreams, he is even perfecting his English, what dreams? Nothing specific of course, but it’s bound to happen, the great day will come and many will marvel at his worth, the Prefect smiled, with a sort of inexplicable expression on his face, but instead of reprimanding him he invited him to his house the following Wednesday. Wednesday’s at the Prefect’s were very popular, they would be frequented by the best a small town has to offer, the prosecutor and his wife, the notary, the widow of a general, and many other well-respected and well-presented people, even an archimandrite, “you are very kind, Sir, it is a great honour for me, naturally, if you say so, you must be in the right, I am an interesting person, a very interesting person, unfortunately worthy people in our times find no reciprocation,” just like that the word ‘reciprocation’ brought tears to his eyes and he was about to shake the Prefect’s hand with great emotion but the Prefect cleared his throat, signalling the end of the conversation. You see, my friend, honesty is a great thing, had he reeled off a long list of lies about that interpolated phrase, he would have at the very least looked ridiculous, whereas now he is an interesting person, as the Prefect himself said, of course gentlemen, I sit all quietly in my room, deep in thought, why should I be embarrassed? He took the document and rewrote it from scratch, omitting the phrase which, like a magical key, had allowed him to open the Prefect’s door. Besides, when fate has selected you for something special, it doesn’t care much about the means, lots and lots of people find suitcases on the road with huge amounts of money, but herein lies the mystery, or rather the Divine Dispensation as he would say, he had no need of finding anything, he had everything, right there in his brain.

He reread the statement in the old document: “We kill the present either with false memories of the past or with imaginary fears of the future.” He was amazed to find that in the space of two lines the entire tyranny of his life was enclosed, not that others had good intentions, but he could see a hidden threat even in their laughter, for example. He rummaged through yesterday’s events to identify the mistakes he had made: “at that moment I should not have remained silent, it’s clear the insinuation was directed at me, why did I make that gesture which gave away my exasperation when I should have stayed completely calm?” He sought, with pleasure almost, every detail, and each one was of course detrimental to him – he’d find terrifying signs in even the most simple things. The next day, in an attempt to dispel the impression he had made, or to hit back for the previous day’s blow, he behaved even more awkwardly, in the beginning he was undoubtedly hesitant, he’d say, no, I won’t pass by that street, that’s where the most hateful person lives, the one who only yesterday threw you such a contemptuous glance that you wanted to die at that very moment, but now look, you already find yourself beneath his windows, it is summer and the whole family is sitting out on the balcony drinking their lemonades, they look at you puzzled, what are you doing here when you live at the other end of the city? Of course they don’t greet you, they pretend to be unconcerned, yet you stand beneath the balcony, “you know,” your mouth has run dry, “an afternoon stroll always does a lot of good, the streets in any case belong to everyone, don’t think you own the whole world,” you see, Sir, what was the point of that – to cause offense? Remain now with that shame for the rest of your life, it’s true that the best answers always arrive late, when you need them you sit there like a wretched, scalded devil.

And that’s how he now sat, on the couch, at the far end of the Prefect’s drawing room, he’d always make sure that he had a wall behind him, he felt more secure that way, he looked on as the others – nearly the whole of the city’s upright stratum – were gathered together and talking at the other end of the room, he was always preoccupied by the thought: how would someone really feel if they were highly successful? But for God’s sake, not ‘success’ in terms of money but in the purest sense of the word, no, not just any achievements but feelings, gentlemen, great deeds issuing directly from the heart, self-sacrifice, yes, that’s it, to devote yourself with all your strength to a beautiful idea, to travel all over the country in snow and in the terror of the night in order to find medicine for a friend who is dying, or rather, for a hateful enemy who is in danger, naturally, like all sentimentalists, he was always unlucky in the people he chose, “what did you say?” he said, taken aback, it was the housemaid with the serving tray, she was asking him “won’t you have one?” He drank another glass of cognac, no one was paying him any attention, no doubt deliberately. He had noticed that when he entered the room, some people laughed, indeed the prosecutor raised his right eyebrow, which he was in the habit of doing whenever he felt annoyed, the Prefect made the introductions, in a tone of voice as though he were preparing some amazing event for his guests, then he whispered something to them, suddenly the Prefect’s wife approached him with open arms and a heartfelt smile. “See then, all will go well, the Prefect’s wife is a wonderful house mistress who’s coming to embrace me, and to tell me, perhaps, that she’s incredibly sorry that all this time we had never met,” he got up from the couch and made a deep bow before that tender soul, “forever devoted to you,” he stammered, but the Prefect’s wife had already passed by him and was welcoming with sensuous giggles the young lawyer who had just arrived, while the room began to fill with whispers about their intimacy. He stood there for a moment, as though in a daze, he couldn’t of course leave right away, that would’ve been tantamount to confessing, to conceding, and so he tried to think up something, something that would change the atmosphere, that would divert attention away from that ridiculous young man who was talking incessantly, with admittedly graceful gestures, but most certainly affected. His gaze fell upon the large pendulum clock on the wall, a quarter to seven, “by seven at most I must do something, otherwise I’m finished,” then his mind began to wander, he remembered a dream he once had, many years ago, it was apparently twilight, darkness was gradually descending, and he found himself all alone in a vast and bare expanse of land, he was walking slowly and was glad to be on his own, there was no one around to fluster him with those strange stares, no one to poke their grubby nose into his private life, but then he sensed something indeterminate at first, an unusual feeling which as time passed became all the more definite, all the more frightening, and suddenly he understood: he was completely alone across the whole of the earth, everyone else had died, he lost it, he felt he was suffocating, he then went frantic with fear and began running and screaming “help!help!”, no one answered, he tripped over something and fell, it was someone who had died, in the faint light he made out an old classmate, a dirty prick who constantly teased him, indeed one time, as he was walking, that scumbag appeared with two or three others, he realised that something terrible was in store for him, but what happened was even more terrible, he drew near, and as he was well-built, he seized him and before he could react he threw him to the ground and pulled down his trousers, many people were leaning out of their windows and laughing, and now there he lay, dead and entirely frozen, and it was growing ever dark,“wake up! I need your help,” he pleaded, the other didn’t make a sound, he grabbed him from his lapels and began shaking him, close by a knife glistened, he took it and placed it in the deceased’s hand, “there, take it and kill me, but just wake up!” he howled, at precisely that moment he opened his eyes, drenched in sweat.

Ever since then he would bear all hardships, including of course people’s treatment of him, with that faint smile of inevitability, at the end of the day, no matter how much it might terrify you or you don’t want to admit it, the inevitable is something that is yours, something that will definitely happen to you, no matter what you do, in other words it is you yourself, besides, Sir, don’t expect too much good fortune, we’re not in Paradise, you know, he felt, in short, almost indebted to the others, nonsense! he is in a position to prove to them with a host of arguments that they are all vulgar, “my future is at stake today,” he thought. And it was as though he had been waiting for this day for a long time, you could say that he knew this drawing room very well even before stepping inside it, take that pendulum, for example, he would’ve sworn that it was the same one he had imagined would strike at the critical moment, a person always thinks that the great moments of their life are ones they have lived before, perhaps because they have indeed lived them, inwardly, desperately, we didn’t in any case come to the Prefect’s house to listen to that young lawyer prattling on, we came because we knew that something was going to happen, without a doubt, the clock’s chimes suddenly struck him on the head: twice, three times, four times, six times, seven times. “The hippopotamus is the most disgusting creature on the planet,” he got up and emphatically stated, drawing near to the others, they turned and looked at him startled, “and yet many of those who call themselves ‘gentlemen’ cannot even be compared to it,” the prosecutor again raised his eyebrow, the young lawyer, as he was talking, remained for a short while with mouth agape, “gotcha pal! you’re a blithering idiot!” he thought with glee, but it wasn’t enough for him, he wanted to drag out his triumph to the very edge, “and as for me,” he added, “I’d rather offer my hand to the hippopotamus in the zoo than to one of these gentlemen,” the Prefect gave a subtle signal to the others, as though saying: “see how right I was,” the lawyer in the meantime had regained his composure, “in that case you have no choice but to do it first thing tomorrow,” he said with a sly smile, the others initially looked bewildered but soon came to understand, “what does he mean?” he wondered, “what must Ido tomorrow – offer my hand to the hippopotamus?” Everyone was looking at him, the silence in the drawing room had become terrifying, the ticking of the clock could be heard, tick-tock, tick-tock, “he’s crazy, such things don’t happen,” he felt the sweat streaming down his forehead, he had to bring matters to an end as quickly as possible and go out into the fresh air. “Will the Prefect allow me to absent myself tomorrow morning, in order that I may proceed towards the fulfilment of the agreement?” he asked with such solemnity that it took even him by surprise, “but tomorrow is Epiphany, a public holiday,” said the Prefect, who certainly hadn’t imagined things would turn out this way, “well then, it’s better that it’sEpiphany tomorrow and a holiday, because now we won’t have to take time off work,”“come now, all this was merely a joke,” the Prefect’s wife chimed in, she then turned towards the housemaid, “serve cognac to the gentlemen,” well, well, so it’s like that! this whole adventure was to have an inglorious end, you’re wrong, you don’t know him well, besides, did you notice the coincidence? tomorrow is Epiphany, a good sign, when he was a little boy he had a strong faith in God, and at every difficult moment of his life that old childhood credulity always arose within him, “madam, when a man upholds some belief, he doesn’t even hesitate to sacrifice his life for it,” he said in a tone that brook no argument, he threw a glance at the guests and added: “tomorrow at ten, gentlemen.”

How long had he been walking in the sleet? He couldn’t remember at all, yet he felt exhausted, he distinctly remembered of course hurriedly going down the stairs while hearing some laughter from the drawing room, and having trouble opening that accursed front door, and then bolting out and falling upon the same individual who had been sitting on the balcony and drinking his lemonade, “oh! sorry!” he said at first, but when he realised who it was, he became agitated, “just wait, I’ll teach you a good lesson,” he thought, “I’m sure you’re heading to the Prefect’s place, you’re lucky, you’ll receive some extraordinary news, at the end of the day I am master of my own self and I can do with it as I please, as for you, what can I say? goodbye!” But – he indeed wondered – why had the hippopotamus made a terrifying impression on him when he went to the zoo some months back? He had never inhis whole life set eyes on anything more repulsive, something that brought on nausea and fear together, so deformed or, rather, formless it was, you’d think that nature had created it in a moment of madness, since then whenever something bothered him – a group of people staring at him, an incident weighing upon him for days – he would say to himself: “the hippopotamus,” besides he himself didn’t always ask for something unexpected, no matter what, to come his way, it was enough if it took him out of that accursed timidity of his, at the end of the day anything – even being humiliated or ridiculed – is better that living all your life in fear, when you are afraid, Sir, you are condemned to live like a bedbug, indeed like a panic-stricken bedbug running away from the flame of a candle, it desperately swings its little ludicrous legs about, hauling its bulky stomach, and who knows what faces it will pull, shame on you, my dear, stand over there so that you may get burned, since you must get burned, from the time he was a child, moreover, he had dreamed of taking the fate of the world upon himself, that thought calmed him down somewhat, “to take the fate of the world upon yourself,” now there’s a real vocation! What difference does it make what you have to start off with? Each person needs only a single opportunity and they’ll be able to pull off miracles, as long as they’re not nitpicky, he had chanced upon the hippopotamus, one chooses one’s fate to the same degree that the deceased chooses the grave they’ll be buried in, even if the latter is more easily done by purchasing a grave, “money,”1 he murmured, brushing up hisEnglish a little.

“I should look up a zoology book and find out a few things about their habits,” he thought, and despite the late hour he headed for the town library, he’d go there from time to time, besides in the shop where he ate each evening he would see the old librarian who would drink till he was legless, he stopped by a patisserie and bought a large bottle of cognac, he smiled at the thought that occurred to him: there are three things in the world which open all doors to you: a large bottle of liquor, your impudence and your wife, he-he, as for him, glory be toGod, he was unmarried, the old man lived in a small apartment next to the library, he knocked and then heard shuffling steps inside, a swollen unshaven face appeared from the open door, “listen, it’s about my life, or rather something greater, my honour itself,” the other was baffled and was gawping at him, “there’s a book I need to look at,” “at this hour? it’s not possible,” the old man replied, he was about to shut the door but was prevented by the other:“please, my honour!” he said and showed him the bottle, they went inside, the apartment reeked of wine and dampness, “for a friend I’d even give my life,” the old man said over and over, emptying one small glass after another, in a short while there was nothing left in the large bottle. As he was walking on the street again, it occurred to him that he had, after all, forgotten to look up what was concerning him, “what difference does it make?”, he was staggering a little and began thinking once more about the old man, “simple souls, my friend, full of kindness, did you see the admiration in his eyes when I told him what it was about?”All it takes is for one person to show you some understanding and you open yourself up to loving the whole of humanity, the problem is coming across such a person, it’s as if they’ve been hidden away in the most menial jobs so that you wouldn’t be able to find them, “from tomorrow, then, a new life begins,” he thought, “are you looking for something?” a voice next to him was heard, it was a policeman, “no, thank you,” he stammered, he was right outside the zoo, his back leaning against the wall, “can I see your identity card?” “my identity card, of course,” he searched himself, “I see that you live very far from here,” the policeman said, “yes, very far from here,” and then, as though he had sobered up, he added: “an evening party, you understand, we had a little to drink,” he took back his card and moved on, “indeed, you spat God himself in the face by allowing that power he instilled in you to lie dormant for so many years,” that was his last thought before falling asleep. And it’s true that he fell asleep almost happy.

In the morning he got up at eight, he brewed a large pot of coffee and sipped it slowly, he had to gain strength, he dusted down his clothes thoroughly and even put on a flashy tie, a bit of nervousness was of course very natural, well, you can’t change your life, dammit, with hands that are completely calm, let them shake, he looked out the window, the sleet showed no sign of stopping, yet he was burning up, he definitely had a bit of a fever, perhaps he caught a cold during yesterday’s walk, but who’s pounding on the door like that? It was the Prefect’s young housemaid, “I have a note for you,” she said, giggling, “for me?” hmm, let’s see what they have to say, “thank you, good day.” “My dear friend,” the Prefect wrote, “everything that happened yesterday was of course a joke, a very nice joke, but by a strange twist the hippopotamus in the zoo died last night, the vet insists that it had grown old and the sudden fall in temperature killed it, but a policeman claims that he saw some suspicious-looking figure wandering around there, naturally the cause of its death is of no concern to me, I am simply notifying you so that you don’t go to any trouble,” and so on and on, incidentally he will always have their friendship, not only his own but also that of his wife, whose sudden departure to the capital will of course mean the postponement for a period of time of her usual Wednesday soirees.

He slumped into a chair as though they had thumped him, it’s impossible, there must be some mistake, they can’t take this opportunity from him, it’s a crime, some people must have conspired against him, maybe that man on the balcony, it’s not out of the question that the lawyer is also mixed up in this, they are capable of any villainy for the sake of destroying him, there’s no doubt that they poisoned the poor animal, in a little while – my God! – the news will have reached the entire town, “a suspicious-looking figure was wondering around,”and if the policeman remembers his name, he’d become the prime suspect in everyone’s eyes,“I have to write a letter,” he thought, he’d unmask them all, down to the last person, and he’d leave them there, naked in disgrace. He took a piece of paper, but he couldn’t think of what to write, his mind wandered to that time when he was a little boy and had found some large, once-fashionable wings in a wardrobe, he pinned them to an old trilby hat belonging to his father and pretended to be a knight, he’d run around in the garden with a broken reed and he’d exterminate thousands of invisible enemies, grandfather would complain that he was wrecking his flowers, “my God, I have endured so much that even if you don’t exist, you’d have to come into being, just for me,” he reflected – it’s true that he always was self-centred, but he wasn’t to blame, others drive you into a corner like a wild beast, and they’re prepared to kill you if you don’t bite them, when you can’t do it, you become self-centred, it’s your last resort. “To take the fate of the world upon yourself,” he muttered, “you couldn’t do it,”and bent over the table, he wept, for all of his ruined life.

The next day they found him in his room, hanging, and as they were burying him just before sunset, the whistling of the train was heard, as the train was entering the station, carrying the new hippopotamus that had been ordered by the zoo.